Men are not your friends

Ok, so this is hypocritical.  Some of my best friends are men.  But let me explain.

I have a best friend from college who is a straight man.  He told me a few weeks ago that if was attracted to me we would have been married long ago.  This was both sweet and offensive at the same time.  We are indeed close, as close as you can get without having sex.  At times I have emotionally relied upon him like I would a boyfriend (talking everyday, telling the minutia) and when he moved back to San Franscisco and got a serious girlfriend, I felt a hard blow, almost like a break up because we stopped talking everyday.  Our relationship is the same, but he doesn't have time to be my boyfriend too.  I get it.  I got my own boyfriend to pick up the slack.

Even the way we became friends was unusual.  We went to a college full of straight up crazy people, men and women.  I was the most normal person he could find for four years.  Even after I graduated he used to come to see me every weekend because everyone else was cray cray!  He did have a side piece lady where he got his other needs met.  But for friend times, it was all me.  So you see, our relationship was all circumstantial.  He had no other choice! There was no one else to talk to!  If there had been some cool dudes there, I might not have made it so far to the top!  This is rare however!

Back to the point.
I would say 99% of the time STRAIGHT men who are trying to be your "friend" are not.  Here's why.

1.  Men don't have time to be your friend.  They are busy, trying to get laid, trying to remember if their undies are clean or not and trying to eat as much as humanly possible.  So if they put ANY effort into talking to you or seeing you, they are most likely interested.

2. Men don't like talking.  They don't want to talk about the stuff we want to talk about (which is everything).  They only talk with women they have to.  Their mom, their sister, their co-worker, their girlfriend.  Sure they need someone to talk to now and then, but its rare and that's why they get married, so there's someone to talk to on those rare occasions they need to. They do not go outside looking for more bitches to talk to.  They would rather not talk and be around other men who are also not interested in talking.  Or be by themselves with some inanimate object like the car or computer which do not require talking.

3. Men don't want to do what you want to do!  They don't want to spend $20 to eat crappy eggs benedict and sip mimosas, they don't want a mani/pedi, they don't want to go look at wallpaper samples, they don't want to take a stroll, they don't want to go to pilates.  We really have nothing in common with them!  Which is fine, but I'm just saying, they don't want to be friends with us because they don't want to do the activities we want to do! What are the corner stones of female/female friendship?!  TALKING AND DOING THINGS WE LIKE TO DO TOGETHER!  DUH!

You can tell me, no!  I have a friend from childhood, I have a famliy friend, I am friends with my friends' boyfriend/husband.  Fine.  Maybe you are, maybe you are not (be careful).  But I'm talking about NEW friends.   That guy from work who texts you AFTER work, that neighbor who invited you in to see his new flat screen, that guy you met at yoga who just broke up with someone and just wants someone to "talk" to.  NO!  They don't want to be "friends."  They will disappear as soon as it is clear you are really just interested in "friendship."

EXTRA HINT: If your boyfriend has a close female friend, I think that is cool as long as it is obvious that they are not attracted to each other (like me and my bff).  One thing to keep in mind though.  BE FRIENDS WITH HIS FEMALE FRIEND!!!!!!!!! MAKE SURE SHE LIKES YOU!!!!!  That bitch has a lot more power than you know.  When your boyfriend has problems with you, guess who he goes to first!  Make sure she can see your side,  (IE, make sure she likes you so she sympathizes with you as a woman) otherwise you a fucked.