tough luv

I hate the term “tough love.” In part because I don’t like Doctor Phil who I believe is a strong advocate of this method but that's because he has bad politics.  I think “tough love”  is really just “keeping it real.”  If you are going through a hard time, its nice for people to listen and offer their sim/empathy.  But if you are going through a hard time that you fucking created because you are being stupid, then I think someone should tell you. 

In one week I had two friends come stay with me, both of whom had broken up recently with their boyfriends.  Both of them had been the one broken up with, despite the behavior of their boyfriends, which should have caused my friends to flee long ago.  If you break up with a guy who is not quite right, the universe will send you another guy.  It will keep sending them as long as you are open to it.  Once you give up, it might too.  The universe is just trying to figure out what you want.   Give it some help by being clear.

Since relationships are fundamental to our human needs, both emotional and biological I want to give you some tips and guidelines how to approach them.   If you don’t have a good example of a relationship in your life then let me tell you what it should look.

1.     It should be fairly easy.  This one trips people up because that’s not how it is in books or movies but a healthy relationship is easy from start to finish, because it makes sense.  You don’t have to go back and forth all the time, its not dramatic, you're mostly getting what you need and they are mostly getting what they need.  You accept each others flaws etc..   

By the way the above is an example of something EVERYONE is telling you all the time and you are not fucking listening.

2.     You should make each other better than you were before you met

3.     You can depend on them and they on you.  

If you ever have to tell someone, when defending your partner, “you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors” ie you cant see how the relationship really is, I want you to know, you are an idiot.  If you relationship isn’t also healthy out in the open in front of everyone’s eyes, then I can assure you it is not behind closed doors.

The way this should start?   

You meet, (at school, at work, online, whatever) the dude (hetero-normative, sorry) asks you out (yes, he asked you out, if you asked him out you are too impatient and need to work on that) he took you out (he paid), got to know you, you waited a good amount of time to have sex (like 2 months, yes, again everyone is telling you this all the time and you are not fucking listening). 

You gave him plenty of space, you let him PROVE to you that he is worthy of you and not the other way around (read The Rules if this is all news to you).   You had your own life, friends, job, fun, none of which you had to give up because the dude you picked (YOU PICKED, not the other way around) fit well into YOUR life.   

If you are too insecure to approach life this way, I ask you, as the future mother of another human being that you fix yourself immediately.    

 This leads me to my next point....

You are no better or worse than anyone else and NO ONE is paying attention to you.   

Let me explain.  When I lived in California my friends there would often tell me that “so and so” didn’t like them.   I never heard a New York lady ever say this.  WHO GIVES A FUCK IF SO AND SO DOESN’T LIKE YOU!!!!  (everyone is telling you this all the time). My friends were simply wrong, "so and so" was too busy in their own insecure head to pay attention to anyone else or to form “likes or dislikes. ”  

Saying "so and so doesn’t like you" is self centered for several reasons.  One, it suggests that everyone is paying such rapt attention to YOU! No one is.  Two, if "so and so" doesn’t like you, and you tell me, it doesn’t fix the situation.  Unless this is like one of those annoying “I’m fat” talks where I'm supposed to tell you, you are not fat.  Or in this case I'm supposed to reassure you that "so and so" likes you?  If that is your desire then GROW THE FUCK UP!   

You are your own worst enemy.  !!!Something everyone says to you all the time and you don’t fucking listen!!!!  There is no need to feel insecure.  No one is paying any attention to you and if you fuck up, then learn from it and don’t repeat the same mistakes.  Because what happens when you do is you feel bad, take it out on yourself and never fix the problem. Not helpful.

No excuses.  In elementary school they didn’t allow us to retort with excuses.  If we fucked up, we fucked up.  If your elementary school failed you in this way I'm going to tell you.  Own that shit and move on.

If your parents failed you, as all parents do, you have to pick up the slack.