secrets

im a firm believer in what is best described as "the secret."  the notion that you can manifest in your life the things you want by asking for them.   one thing i found interesting in that book was that "the universe" doesn't understand negative articles, like no or none.  so if you say, "i want no trouble."  the universe hears, "i want trouble!"
keeping that in mind, when i am asking for things i often modify them.  if i say, "i dont want to see any cops!"  (when im driving, over the speed limit, tee hee) i might immediately correct myself by saying, "keep the cops away!" instead.  a more affirmative statement.
when i was looking for a job, i had an interview at the most awful place i had ever seen.  it looked like a prison on the outside and the inside was dark and just full of the saddest, ugliest people i had ever seen.  like this scene from joe vs. the volcano

anyway after my interview as i fled from that place i said inside my head, PLEASE NEVER MAKE ME COME HERE AGAIN.  so guess what.  a few months later i get called back to that place.  i interview for a completely ridiculous job, that i never ever applied for and of course i get it.  i felt that i couldn't turn it down because of the money and benefits.  but i know i got it because what the universe heard was:
PLEASE MAKE ME COME HERE AGAIN!

i still hate that place and i work everyday to try to get the eff out of there.

so basically when you ask for something, ask only in the affirmative.  don't confuse the universe.  

Rookie Mistakes

Yesterday my boyfriend and I had one of those inevitable talks about our  dating "history."  Now I have some ground rules for everyone when having these talks.  One, don't be specific, especially if you're a woman (but men too, for different reasons).  Men don't need to know how many dudes you have slept with (something I think everyone has told you all the time).  The fewer (ie zero) they think about the better.   Also I would only talk about the serious relationships, not the guys you met on vacation or dated for a like a month.   My boyfriend happens to come from a country where casual dating is non-existent, so I think it may be possible he doesn't even comprehend how many people we "go through" in America/the West.

Women also need to know as few details as possible because if they know names, places (etc) they will stalk.  I didn't know this about myself until my boyfriend told me the name of his ex-girlfriend (ie the one who he thought he was going to marry/the one that broke his heart) and as soon as he was out of sight I start looking that bitch up on the internet. Yeah. 

My exboyfriend's girlfriend once tried to friend me on facebook, like a year or more after we had broken up (btw, this was not in high school, it was like last year, and I am in my 30s, so that shit never stops apprently).  I can't even tell you how much a non-threat to her I was/am. 
But now I get it.  :/

Rookie mistake #1:
DONT TELL YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE STILL VERY GOOD FRIENDS WITH!!!

I mentioned a few posts back a friend, let's call her "Amanda", who had recently broken up with her boyfriend "Ned" (a good thing).  When they first started dating she told him she had slept with one of our very close friends "Joe" and then things were weird between Ned and Joe for pretty much the ENTIRE relationship (over three years).  The worst part is Amanda had moved to London (where Ned and Joe live) and her only friend was Joe, so now Ned made it difficult for her to see her ONLY friend.  The moral of the story is stay SHHHHHH.

Babies

I have hit that time in life when friends start to have babies.  I have two friends, who both got married on Oct 8 of last year and they are both pregnant with boys.  They had both dated their husbands for about 7 years before they got married and they both met in bars. 
One friend, I'll call her Keegan, will be a great mom.  She has her shit together, shes well traveled, shes fun and cool.  Her husband is a solid guy who will be a great dad.  All into bonding and doing right by the kid.  I hope that one day they have a girl too because I think he would be an amazing dad to a little lady.

My other friend Lynn, I'm a little more worried about her.  Shes a very nervous person.  Her husband, who I used to like, I'm feeling more ambivalent about lately.  In part because they live in a pigstye, which I always see as the outward representation of a bad relationship.  I'm also not sure that he's going to be a loving and supportive father or just the type that works a long day and then watches football.   He's made some poor choices in his life, settled for things and I think he will become resentful.  Lynn on the other hand, worked hard, followed her dreams and has a good career, which she may have to give up quite a bit of once the baby comes.  She is only planning to take off 3 months for maternity leave, which I think is uncivilized.   But as they are both born and bred New Yorkers, their sense of balance has always been pretty far off the mark.

I want all future parents to read "Bringing up Bebe" because there are some stupid things American parents do:

1.  You are not at the kids beck and call.  You are asking for trouble if you train them this way.

2.  You need your own life still.  You still need to work on your relationship with your partner.

3. Don't follow the goddamn kid around all the time, let them play, let them live, let them explore!  If you don't let the kid learn how to take some responsibility and learn to deal with things as they come it will be miserable for its whole life! 

Lynn and I were at the Botanical Gardens yesterday.  There were a bunch of kids running around, having a good time.  Lynn was like, oh it's so overwhelming, all these kids.  I was like eh, kids I'm used to.  It's parents I hate.

Why settle?

As I get older and my friends start to get married I have to ask sometimes... Why settle?
I don't think marriage in and of itself is settling, no no no.
It's more like that line on Arrested Development when George Michael is dating Anne and everyone is like "her?"    That's settling.
I see a number of people doing this,  marrying anyone with a pulse.   I just want to tell you.  All of you.  If you break up with someone.  I PROMISE!  someone else will come along who is better.  PROMISE!!!!!!! Unless you tell yourself you'll never meet anyone else.  That's another story...
What I want for my friends is when I meet their perspective partner I want to be like, that guy/girl is WAAAYYY too good for my friend.  Then I'll be cool with them getting married.

Maybe I am trying to figure out if I am settling myself or if other fears/insecurities are just whispering it in my ear.  I want to say to myself that old cliche "trust your gut!"  But it's hard to trust your gut when it comes to relationships because your mind, your tummy and your heart keep trying to talk over each other and it makes for quite a mess and many indecipherable messages. 
  
I don't think either of my parents settled.  They were right for each other.  I see some couples who clearly settled like 40 years ago and now its too late to worry about it and I guess they have figured out how to be away from each other enough for it not to matter.  But I don't think that is anyone's goal. 

I knew a guy in LA.  A HOT guy who married a women who was both unattractive and unpleasant.   Sometimes I felt like she bullied him into a relationship but then I'm also like, he's in it so he must be "willing" on some level.  They got married a year ago and on his facebook relationship status says "its complicated" (which I can assure you annoys her to no end).
 I knew when he was getting married it was a mistake all around.  From the way their relationship started to the way he talked about it at the time.   I never said to him, don't do it because it really wasn't my business, though in retrospect I should have.   We weren't that close (so no biggie if he didn't talk to me every again) and maybe it would have made an impact.  Or at least it would be nice to have someone acknowledge that you are too good for a situation.  I have a terrible job right now and I dream of someone turning around to me and being like, you are too good for this shit! 

I looked at his wedding pictures recently and a lot of them are just too obvious as to his settlin'.  He has pursed lips, his body is turned away from her, ON THEIR FUCKING WEDDING DAY.  
You can tell she's having a great day, but he only looks happy when he's with his friends or family. 
I'm like this guy could have a better girl the very next day if he broke up with this lady.  WHY DOES HE SETTLE?  Lazy? Fear? Does he think things will get better?

Not settling might take more work in the short term, but I think settling requires much more work in the long term. Think about it....

Men are not your friends

Ok, so this is hypocritical.  Some of my best friends are men.  But let me explain.

I have a best friend from college who is a straight man.  He told me a few weeks ago that if was attracted to me we would have been married long ago.  This was both sweet and offensive at the same time.  We are indeed close, as close as you can get without having sex.  At times I have emotionally relied upon him like I would a boyfriend (talking everyday, telling the minutia) and when he moved back to San Franscisco and got a serious girlfriend, I felt a hard blow, almost like a break up because we stopped talking everyday.  Our relationship is the same, but he doesn't have time to be my boyfriend too.  I get it.  I got my own boyfriend to pick up the slack.

Even the way we became friends was unusual.  We went to a college full of straight up crazy people, men and women.  I was the most normal person he could find for four years.  Even after I graduated he used to come to see me every weekend because everyone else was cray cray!  He did have a side piece lady where he got his other needs met.  But for friend times, it was all me.  So you see, our relationship was all circumstantial.  He had no other choice! There was no one else to talk to!  If there had been some cool dudes there, I might not have made it so far to the top!  This is rare however!

Back to the point.
I would say 99% of the time STRAIGHT men who are trying to be your "friend" are not.  Here's why.

1.  Men don't have time to be your friend.  They are busy, trying to get laid, trying to remember if their undies are clean or not and trying to eat as much as humanly possible.  So if they put ANY effort into talking to you or seeing you, they are most likely interested.

2. Men don't like talking.  They don't want to talk about the stuff we want to talk about (which is everything).  They only talk with women they have to.  Their mom, their sister, their co-worker, their girlfriend.  Sure they need someone to talk to now and then, but its rare and that's why they get married, so there's someone to talk to on those rare occasions they need to. They do not go outside looking for more bitches to talk to.  They would rather not talk and be around other men who are also not interested in talking.  Or be by themselves with some inanimate object like the car or computer which do not require talking.

3. Men don't want to do what you want to do!  They don't want to spend $20 to eat crappy eggs benedict and sip mimosas, they don't want a mani/pedi, they don't want to go look at wallpaper samples, they don't want to take a stroll, they don't want to go to pilates.  We really have nothing in common with them!  Which is fine, but I'm just saying, they don't want to be friends with us because they don't want to do the activities we want to do! What are the corner stones of female/female friendship?!  TALKING AND DOING THINGS WE LIKE TO DO TOGETHER!  DUH!

You can tell me, no!  I have a friend from childhood, I have a famliy friend, I am friends with my friends' boyfriend/husband.  Fine.  Maybe you are, maybe you are not (be careful).  But I'm talking about NEW friends.   That guy from work who texts you AFTER work, that neighbor who invited you in to see his new flat screen, that guy you met at yoga who just broke up with someone and just wants someone to "talk" to.  NO!  They don't want to be "friends."  They will disappear as soon as it is clear you are really just interested in "friendship."

EXTRA HINT: If your boyfriend has a close female friend, I think that is cool as long as it is obvious that they are not attracted to each other (like me and my bff).  One thing to keep in mind though.  BE FRIENDS WITH HIS FEMALE FRIEND!!!!!!!!! MAKE SURE SHE LIKES YOU!!!!!  That bitch has a lot more power than you know.  When your boyfriend has problems with you, guess who he goes to first!  Make sure she can see your side,  (IE, make sure she likes you so she sympathizes with you as a woman) otherwise you a fucked.  

Between a rock and a crazy place

How can life give me what I want if I don't give it any guidelines?
The times that I have been very clear about what I want, I got it, or something like it.  Sometimes getting what I wanted just proved that I didn't want it at all and then I had to come up with something else to want.
Today I saw posted online a job that I had twice interviewed for.  This was a bit of blow as I felt the slap of rejection because it was soooo black and white in front of me,  "We interviewed some people for this job and we didn't like ANY of them so we are back advertising."  I wanted to be like, what about me?  You didn't love me with all your heart and soul?  Why arn't you falling all over yourselves to hire me?????
I felt sad for a bit.  I had hoped to get the job not only because I don't like my current job, but it meant a move to a new city, closer to my boyfriend and away from my current living situation, which is fancy and in a great location but...I live with my mama. 
Then it occurred to me.  I don't want that job.  I didn't like the office, which was depressing and empty.  I didn't like the location.  I didn't even really like what they were doing.  But again, I had other motives.  This isn't just me being like, "What they don't like me? Well they ugly anyway!"  I swear.  But it made me focus more on things I do want. 
I would love a job I could walk or bike to.  I would like to have my own place again, which means I would need to leave NYC, which I am fine with since I can always come and crash at mama's phat pad.  I would be closer to bf but not too close (still need my space).  I love fresh starts.  I used to move every year in LA just to get them.  They always give me new direction and I try new things and all that shit.  It's good for me.  I tend to get into a rut too fast (lazy?)
So I am telling life, I want to move to New Haven.  I want a job I will enjoy (at least until my real dream job gets off the ground) and I want to be able to walk or bike to it!  Also I already have the apt all picked out.  So let's get this party started life.  I'll apply to some jobs and you take care of the rest?  Muchas Gracias!

LA v NY

When I decided to move to LA for graduate school all of my New York Friends told me that it was a bad idea and I would hate it.  I went with an open mind and a lot of hope.  Unfortunately they were right and four years later I came back to Brooklyn. 

There are many cultural differences between the east and west coast and one that I was pleasantly surprised about was the dating, which I found to be much better in LA.  Though I was never in the entertainment industry, which I'm sure is full of terrible guys and probably has ratios similar to NYC, but let me explain.

When I was in New York from ages 23-27, I had the sense that there were not only very few available men in NYC, there were VERY FEW good guys.  I approached my dating life "knowing" this and basically just hooked up and had fun with whoever came a long via craigslist.   I was used to the somewhat fucked up nature of NYC 20-something relationships.  Which is to say, meet, fuck and maybe meet again, but maybe not and if you meet again you will slowly learn how truly fucked up they are, so best to not meet too many times.

When I went to LA I took a little of this fucked upedness with me and started a thing with one of my classmates who had a serious gf (very fucked up on my part).  But as I was from NYC, this was somehow normal/ok (bad karma!!!!).   Slowly I grew and matured and realized that in LA you could have what I would consider a "regular" relationship.  The male to female ratio wasn't so off and the women in LA weren't so great, so my chances of meeting a good guy increased exponentially.  That was one of the problems in NYC, men knew that there were lots of pretty, smart and interesting women.  Men in LA do not have this luxury so they don't have the same sense that there is always something better around the corner. A lot of meh girls in LA had boyfriends.  In NYC almost everyone was single or if they were with someone their boyfriend kinda sucked.  In LA I found that the men were actually much better than the women.  A new sensation. 

In part this is because the lifestyle of LA makes good guys and terrible girls.  The laziness of daily life makes guys happy, pleasant and chatty.  It makes girls insecure and boring.  NYC has the opposite affect.  It makes women interesting and cool and makes men neurotic and douchey.

In LA men were fairly respectful.  They picked you up, took you out, didn't pressure you for sex.  It was nice, mature.   I got used to it.

When I came back to New York, I was again open minded and hopeful, thinking that part of the problem I had in my 20s was that I had "decided" that men in NYC were fucked up.  This time I was like, "no, there are some good ones."  Wrong.

I went out with about 14 guys in the 10 months I was in NYC before I met my boyfriend (who lives 3 hours outside of NYC).  At least half of them tried to sleep with me within the first few hours (or less) of the date and when I declined or didnt sleep with them by date two, they quickly moved on.  That's all fine and good that you are not that into me but in LA if a dude wasnt interested he just didn't call again.  He didn't also try to fuck you just to get something out of it before dropping your ass.  This is rude, NYC guys.  Your time isn't so precious that you need to fuck everyone you spend ten minutes talking to or buy one drink for.

In part I blame NYC girls, (including my 20-something self) who have trained these idiots so badly.  If you meet a guy and he tries to sleep with you quickly, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM.   It's pointless.  You'll get mediocre sex at best and then the rest of us have to deal with the douche.  Just say no.  He has to wine and dine you first!  That pussy is worth it!  If he doesn't then you are better off!  We're all better off!  We're in this together ladies!  We all reap the benefits when men behave correctly.  But the only way to get that is to collectively train!

Think about the hard work your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend had to put into him to make him reasonable for you.  You did that for some other girl with your exes.  We're all paying it forward.  Don't let men do fucked up shit, cause then they do it again to someone else.  

Think about this, no one can blame a doggie for peeing in the house if you never took the time to fucking show it to pee outside.

Just sayin.

the rules- a somewhat book review

Yesterday I mentioned the book "The Rules."  This is mandatory reading.   Once you read it, you'll know why every relationship you/your friends/your parents etc ever went wrong. 

When I was in high school, "The Rules" came out.  I remember they were controversial and I didn't read them because I didn't know that there was an "art" to relationships/seduction (whatever) but also the controversy was that they were somehow sexist or game playing.   Basically they told women not to be too available.  Advice your grandma gave you, which you should have fucking listened to.

My relationship philosophy from high-school until I was about 28 was that I thought if you just persisted a whole bunch, like you do in the rest of your life with school, work, sports, piano, whatever, that things would eventually go your way.   It turns out that is wrong.  Men don't find it cute when you pursue them, even if they used to be interested in you. 

Even if you don't like The Rules, they are in fact true.

Its like this.  Most of us, especially not me, cannot eat whatever we want and not exercise and stay healthy.  Most women seem to get that about their bodies and they do their best to be healthy.  Whether its from vanity or concern about disease, whatever the reason, they do it.

So the same is true in your dealings with men.   You cannot just doooo whatever you want, because often what you want to do is unhealthy.  I want to eat a whole pizza but its going to make me sick, so I'll eat this goat cheese and veggies instead.  Still yummy, just fewer consequences.  I want to call that guy I like, but its better to wait til he calls me cos then he feels like he accomplished something and I also get the benefit in knowing he likes me and I didn't have to do shit. Maybe I had to exercise a little patience, which I know is probably the hardest part.  But patience soon leads to rewards. 

The Rules will tell you that being smart and independent are in fact attractive to men.  Somehow this message has been lost along the way.   Looks are not everything (something everyone is fucking tell you all the time) but I don't know why women are confused about that.  Sometimes mom's will say to you, oh he is intimidated by your intellect when a guy breaks up with you.  Untrue.  You were probably too clingy or available or whatever, but I promise it wasn't your brain that concerned him.  In fact the brain probably turned him on and he might have even stuck around longer than he would have if you were dumb.  Just sayin.

I am not any kind of classic beauty.  I'm overweight, I wear glasses, I dress like a hipster.  But I don't have any trouble meeting and keeping men interested.  Why?  Because I am confidant, independent and very smart.  I noticed when I moved from NYC to LA, men were like drooling on me because I was the first girl who could speak good talking (yes) that they had met in, oh forever.  SMART GOOD!   DUMB BAD! 

Tomorrow I think I will discuss the differences in LA and NYC dating, according to my experience. 

Ta-Ta

tough luv

I hate the term “tough love.” In part because I don’t like Doctor Phil who I believe is a strong advocate of this method but that's because he has bad politics.  I think “tough love”  is really just “keeping it real.”  If you are going through a hard time, its nice for people to listen and offer their sim/empathy.  But if you are going through a hard time that you fucking created because you are being stupid, then I think someone should tell you. 

In one week I had two friends come stay with me, both of whom had broken up recently with their boyfriends.  Both of them had been the one broken up with, despite the behavior of their boyfriends, which should have caused my friends to flee long ago.  If you break up with a guy who is not quite right, the universe will send you another guy.  It will keep sending them as long as you are open to it.  Once you give up, it might too.  The universe is just trying to figure out what you want.   Give it some help by being clear.

Since relationships are fundamental to our human needs, both emotional and biological I want to give you some tips and guidelines how to approach them.   If you don’t have a good example of a relationship in your life then let me tell you what it should look.

1.     It should be fairly easy.  This one trips people up because that’s not how it is in books or movies but a healthy relationship is easy from start to finish, because it makes sense.  You don’t have to go back and forth all the time, its not dramatic, you're mostly getting what you need and they are mostly getting what they need.  You accept each others flaws etc..   

By the way the above is an example of something EVERYONE is telling you all the time and you are not fucking listening.

2.     You should make each other better than you were before you met

3.     You can depend on them and they on you.  

If you ever have to tell someone, when defending your partner, “you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors” ie you cant see how the relationship really is, I want you to know, you are an idiot.  If you relationship isn’t also healthy out in the open in front of everyone’s eyes, then I can assure you it is not behind closed doors.

The way this should start?   

You meet, (at school, at work, online, whatever) the dude (hetero-normative, sorry) asks you out (yes, he asked you out, if you asked him out you are too impatient and need to work on that) he took you out (he paid), got to know you, you waited a good amount of time to have sex (like 2 months, yes, again everyone is telling you this all the time and you are not fucking listening). 

You gave him plenty of space, you let him PROVE to you that he is worthy of you and not the other way around (read The Rules if this is all news to you).   You had your own life, friends, job, fun, none of which you had to give up because the dude you picked (YOU PICKED, not the other way around) fit well into YOUR life.   

If you are too insecure to approach life this way, I ask you, as the future mother of another human being that you fix yourself immediately.    

 This leads me to my next point....

You are no better or worse than anyone else and NO ONE is paying attention to you.   

Let me explain.  When I lived in California my friends there would often tell me that “so and so” didn’t like them.   I never heard a New York lady ever say this.  WHO GIVES A FUCK IF SO AND SO DOESN’T LIKE YOU!!!!  (everyone is telling you this all the time). My friends were simply wrong, "so and so" was too busy in their own insecure head to pay attention to anyone else or to form “likes or dislikes. ”  

Saying "so and so doesn’t like you" is self centered for several reasons.  One, it suggests that everyone is paying such rapt attention to YOU! No one is.  Two, if "so and so" doesn’t like you, and you tell me, it doesn’t fix the situation.  Unless this is like one of those annoying “I’m fat” talks where I'm supposed to tell you, you are not fat.  Or in this case I'm supposed to reassure you that "so and so" likes you?  If that is your desire then GROW THE FUCK UP!   

You are your own worst enemy.  !!!Something everyone says to you all the time and you don’t fucking listen!!!!  There is no need to feel insecure.  No one is paying any attention to you and if you fuck up, then learn from it and don’t repeat the same mistakes.  Because what happens when you do is you feel bad, take it out on yourself and never fix the problem. Not helpful.

No excuses.  In elementary school they didn’t allow us to retort with excuses.  If we fucked up, we fucked up.  If your elementary school failed you in this way I'm going to tell you.  Own that shit and move on.

If your parents failed you, as all parents do, you have to pick up the slack.